Automatic Transcription Services. The Facebook Phone will record and transcribe every call you make so that no verbal agreement, witty joke, or mention of a brand name is lost to time (or our databanks). Because what is a telephone conversation, really, but content creation between two people? And don�t worry, we will not sell this information to third parties: no company has raised nearly enough capital to purchase your most intimate confessions.
Retina Screen. The Facebook Phone�s high-definition display is actually named for its retina-scanning capabilities. Not only can the screen identify its owner�no more fumbling with pesky passcodes!�but, by tracking your glance-to-answer ratio, Facebook can assess whose calls you�ve been screening the most. Alerts to the people you�ve been avoiding can be turned off in your settings.
Voicemail-to-Wall-Post Synchronization. Users who have missed phone calls will be directed to their own Facebook profile, where they can see that they have five messages from �Mom� that have been transcribed for ease of quick skimming, and resolve to call her back later.
Seamless Web-to-Phone Integration. The information highway goes both ways with the Facebook Phone. So after you�ve been Facebook-stalking that attractive friend of a friend for a few weeks, the Facebook Phone will commence a series of calls to him or her, play a recording of your shallow, nervous breathing, and quickly hang up.
Ex Marks the Spot. Avoid awkward encounters with any and all former lovers by keeping tabs on their exact locations with Facebook�s newest mapping feature. In the event of an actual run-in (�Code Red�), the Facebook Phone, having already picked up your geographical proximity to an ex, will trigger a decoy ringtone, allowing you to excuse yourself from the situation because �my new boyfriend�s calling me.�
An Alarm Clock that Works. For users who need more motivation to get up in the morning, the Facebook Phone�s �snooze� button will also upload a new Instagram photo, taken during the course of that evening, with our new filter, �Infrared Night Vision.� Our facial-recognition algorithms will optimize the upload for �most unflattering,� ensuring cross-platform humiliation and personal-brand dilution.
Real-Time Calendar Notifications. At the start time of any Facebook Event you�ve made a commitment to attend, the Facebook Phone will take advantage of its G.P.S. to see that you haven�t even gotten off your couch yet, then send a message to your friends that �you�re running a little behind� and will �be there in fifteen minutes.�
Suggested Phone Calls. �You haven�t talked to your Mom lately. Would you like to reconnect with the person who gave birth and raised you for all those years?�
�Where�s My Phone?� In the event that your Facebook Phone gets misplaced or stolen, Facebook will notify all your contacts by creating a new event, �i lost my phone, plz give me your numbers.� For your convenience, Facebook will compile a new contact list for you, as well as a second list of the people who didn�t bother to give you their numbers again (default name: �Shit List�).
Marky. �Marky� uses the latest in speech-recognition software to take notes, initiate tasks, and track your emotional state. �His� masculine but non-threatening human voice will check in from time to time, encouraging you to share your status (�feelings�) and just making sure everything is O.K. If you haven�t been active on Facebook lately, the notification voice switches to �Sheryl.�
Illustration by Richard McGuire
Source: http://news.google.com/news/url?sa=t&fd=R&usg=AFQjCNGX1Ar26rY29TupL7SfK2bm9GVT6g&url=http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/shouts/2013/04/brand-new-features-on-the-facebook-phone.html
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